"It will be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

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  A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")

  
  


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  As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let us have A different position in which American Gentlemen can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply Every person a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

"This can be soft electricity," said political strategist Trump Tower Damascus Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he really should end employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

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  A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

  
  


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  A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

  
  

Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."